Musings of Insanity

Seems like I'm starting to see the effect of age on the way I see things. I am normally self degrading in the guise of being humble but its mostly applied when looks are involved.

You see, I like guys, more often than not, they aren't the conventional beauties girls and women go for, at least up until the gruff look became the in thing. Now I find myself feeling a bit jealous of the younger set, being able to haphazardly go on all night/week gimmicks and enjoy their little time with the men they like, whether hired or not (this is where being a stalker class B voyeur/follower can be a pain) and in general, get who they want.

The depreciation only makes things worse when I start thinking that I got no chance with a person since they are: a.) popular, b.) cute~handsome (by my standards) c.) built (which I don't normally like anyway) ~ and if they can get through the first stage, they have to battle through the he's after your which doesn't really involve the heart, its just a phase, its just infatuation, he's just desperate (thats the worst) among other self preservation/depreciation reactions. Complicated piece of work? Thats just the topping but I wont go into details.

My latest spat with myself is about seeing people I like terribly enjoying themselves and finding I cannot be as free (work, money, time) as I want to be, responsibility apparently grew on me and took over my old go lucky self. I have resolved this little bit of insanity by just stopping all the thinking process altogether, things I cannot help I must not interfere with ~ AUM!

Seems to work and my mind thanks me a lot for it, I just need to be able to be true to the people around me, meaning, people I would really consider as my friends, should know me and my TRUE nature. I'm guessing that a few of them (at the office) have an idea that I'm gay, but since I don't flaunt the answers to their unspoken questions, they just hang there. Plus having my first college girlfriend in the same office (and having some rather weird rumor circulating about me waiting for her ~again?!? I think not) is not helping matters.

And I'm finding how some peoples view on being gay and bi are radically different from what I KNOW. You got a gay guy nearing cross dresser thinking that BI men are more 'dangerous' since they do ANYTHING (wow, whatta notion) and that effete men are safer since they only want love and affection (right, tell me that when the itch starts, you still have balls man, and men are naturally sexual, I've had enough of 'virtue' for several lifetimes to know). And categorically speaking I may be viewed as BI (though I say I'm gay, mostly to simplify things) since I still have women crushes, I still get aroused at certain acts with women that don't involve curling irons and parlor scissors.

Still I choose not to complicate my already complicated self, I would not be with a woman for the sake of having one, they aren't trophies or fronts that I would use for social acceptance. In this, I feel more and more like a vampire, plain in sight, yet mysterious with a secret to share. I partake of life but am not really a part of it no matter how I try, until the truth is known, that the real me is something you see everyday but never really knew until the words blurted out of my own mouth, I am gay, big deal.

I really think I should stop this office crushes I have, it can be a pain.

What Lies Beneath

In the cycle of my life, smoke and mirrors, placebo's, face masks, layers, hiding deep things that rarely see light, control of it and myself taking most of my own strength, its been a normal habit that when things go pop, they boom big time.

I haven't reached point break in ages and don't want it to happen but I was close to it awhile ago. I think he hit my vulnerability, my insecurity and that hit home pretty fast I was almost ready to pounce but I was at work, I cant lose this job, I cant go amok there, so silence, control and then leave.

Overall I don't think I'll be strong really, its just a mechanism for me to appear strong or capable when inside, well really deep inside, I'm vulnerable and lost.

I don't want to be that way, I have answers but fear always keep me back from doing it. And instead, I just wing it and skirt the edge without really crossing over. I know I'll have to do whats right soon, very soon.

Broken Clock

My best friend just recently got exclusive (somewhat) with this adorable little twink who's like oh so (Pardon my Blonde) all over him and like, you know, the guy is like uber top and cooks and its like sooooooooo yummy! My goodness, he's got my vote, wish he had an older brother hoohoohoo.

On a serious note, the guy was young and reminded me of myself, how I could go all out on someone i really really like (love?!?), something I feel I've been missing in trying to be careful and guarded. Somehow I think I know why.

Somethings broken I'm sure, how else can I explain it? Something in me isn't ticking right and seeing my best friend having the time of his life is making me feel a bit envious. Making me feel I wish I had someone like that, whom I could feel mutually excited about. Add to that there's no one (except one ex) who's like gaga over me and that I'm not exactly the picture of a helpless damsel in distress needing his knight in shining armor.

I guess I'm just trying to rationalize this feeling of want/need for something more, this slight ache that makes me wish I wasn't feeling alone in bed, hugging a pillow and just dozing off since I'm just tired from work. Deep inside I was wishing I was hugging my lifelong partner, feeling tired after a hot passionate session and just talking a bit before sleeping in each others arms.

I know I need fixing, I just need the right timing, but with a badly ticking clock, how am I ever gonna get things going? For now its the pillow after a solo session and sleeping fitfully while my mind waits for work to start again.

Changes

Since I even thought about applying for the new post at the office, things have been turbid at best with my mind, I've been trying to make sense of certain things but it never gets any clearer than a glimpse of happiness or a moment of joy. Things I'm trying to cherish but somehow it flows away into memory faster than I can keep track of them.

Now that I've passed the written exam and finished the interview which could lead to the new post, I'm starting to get some forward direction at least in something I value, my job.

Still, its been a long time since i've had anything more intimate than providing quick pleasure and its starting to be not enough...

This leads to my ex who had his college friend over for a night, this guy had some seminar in Manila and didnt have a place to stay. I have to say, I think I was the only guy my ex made a mistake of staying since this guy was cute at the very least, gruff, has meat in the right places but not gym things from mars. I was already entertaining thoughts of seducing the guy but I had work and the guy was to stay for the night only, too bad, I might have made his stay more... colorful than the pictures I took of him.

With the work week almost ending for me, I'm not sure what to do, I feel I want to be chaotic and just get banged and another is to just cuddle in bed whether alone or with company. But even that might get dashed in case I get the post as training MIGHT immediately start on friday, killing any plans I had... changes, a freaking bummer at times, but its something that has to happen...

Jumbled Pavements

Been trying to unscramble some tangled finances of late and I'm barely able to keep up but I'm still afloat and saving a tiny bit in between. People who owe me money seem to paying up slowly so its something to keep up with the output.  Main reason for this sudden trouble is the lowered bonuses I was so used to getting and I dont see it getting any much better since the current metrics they're using is steep... So its time to step up or step out.

Speaking of stepping, I'm not sure what 'didn't' happen last rest day, someone I really like and spend time with at home kinda had a bit of a mutual misstep, first was my wasted chance at getting 'it' on, part of me wanted to but the rest was like 'uh, he said what? I should what? oh my!' I guess I got used to being manhandled to many times that if given a more consensual chance I balk.

Then again I've been balking at a lot of things of late and that too puzzles me, am usually a lot more gung-ho than this, *sigh* another mystery for another time.

Second would be the opportunity to spend more time with him which I again wasted with balking with juggled schedules. I mean its a chance to get to know the guy further and to even things out, I know as much when it comes to etiquette since he spends more time here, I should spend just as much with him in 'his' comfort zone. Somehow I feel I owe him some 'his turf' time.

Last was a combination puzzle, make overs to make me more um, presentable were offered and a rather clumsy missed chance for a little sweet kiss was the last conundrum. I know am not the clearest person on the planet and right now I'm not exactly readable of late but even I'm a bit misconstruing the whole thing. Am I assuming? Am I wishing? Projecting? or even *gasp* hoping??

I cant say but who knows, I'm not in a hurry (I think) and I got a few things on my plate I have to finish on my own before I ask another person to share my life. This song is on repeat right now, on the playlist and at inopportune times in real life.

Have I told you lately?

Things are getting back in the spirit of chaos, nothing thats unwieldy but it starts to pile up. I've been trying to straighten out my feelings for certain people by going headlong into a dive and finding out the secrets hidden in its depths. At least its one of the things that I can move to the side so I can move a bit more freely.

On the subject of love/like/lust interests, I know I got a few. So far I know someone I liked a lot (I used to have warm fuzzy feelings when I was able to hug him when I slept) is not a viable option anymore aka, he's not interested (at least for now, convenience factor I guess) hahahaha, ouch....

Then there's another one who I never really hoped for anything (sweet but flighty people will probably never land on me), will probably remain as my friend for a long time, but stays at that too. Pity.

A young one that I had the folly of falling for and still like the guy after years of being passed over shows interest but I can't feel more than being a father/brother to him now But, well, the stray memories of furry wonder when I caress his legs when we used to sleep spooning together keep me thinking how it could be then doused into a reality of nothing.

That narrows down interesting people to a very select few and though I have been trying to get some answers from myself on what it all means, interest doesn't seem to be anything more than a one way thing.

Maybe I'll fess up and say what I feel, but I'm pretty sure I'm transparent enough to people of interest so that I rarely need to verbalize myself.

Given that, I don't think I'll be talking soon. And when the attraction fades in the face of one way interests, we'll be the equivalent of two unmagnetized rods, we can clang together but we won't stick. Weird analogy but my brain's kinda iffy tonight so... I'll say goodnight for now

A quick post, a slow grind, a long ways to go...

Things heated up the last few days, accelerating and finally ending in one quiet but disturbing encounter with us just talking sense for once, unfortunately, it may as well be the last.

Three years and some months (since we never really had an anniversary) and it ends with a whimper and not a bang. He started the talk, I dropped the bomb, I became the great evil, but better than prolonging mutual agony which the end was accepted on both sides.

The thing I need to do now is to learn a bit of disassociation. He moved his computer table out of the room as he now stays in another room till his family can move out (and him as well). He tries to be nice, tries to be more conscientious, caring but at the same time formal. It actually hurts more than its supposed to be!

I have a buffer in the form of a friend, but when I'm alone like now, things slowly pour like concrete settling in. Many realizations but the end thing is, I'm free but not totally.

I'm different, probably more ragged, more needy, more... tense and I don't totally trust my feelings for now, like everything is in question.

Hopefully things will settle down as things move on their own pace, moving apart, starting in a new direction.

Tangled webs

December 2, 2010, Thursday was like a convergence of things that made me realize some things.

I am definitely lost


You see, a friend died (call him B), who happens to be a mutual friend of my ex (call him A). This mutual friend was purportedly the catalyst for the break up, who was supposed to be my ex (how can one be an ex when they aren't an 'item' is beyond me) after A became my ex because I had, stuff to deal with. A told me of  B's passing and eventually we met somewhere in Makati on December 2, 2010.

Since complications comes in batches, I brought a friend (call him C) from the office as a guide (yes, I work in Makati but I don't know these places and stuff) we found A and I felt the urge to just hug the guy. Warmly received, it made things more complicated since he hated me for a long time and I felt that I really did something awful with the breakup BUT it melted away in that one moment.

Fast forward, my friend from LB (call him D) who brought another friend (call him E) was going to my place too and informed me just that moment of their arrival. We 3 talked and talked till I invited A and C to stay at my place where my current (call him F) stays too. At this point, having everyone there would create sufficient favorable chaos in the already unfavorable chaos in my place (F's family is staying here for a (long) while).

Mingling past and present, I felt suddenly that my world went full tilt (my fiery ex, A has that effect on me). I already knew I had to do something with my current relationship, but I was dragging my feet. Then boom, old feelings are starting to resurface but I am in doubt as usual. Is this real, am I doing this as an easy escape? Would history repeat itself? Would I become 'evil' again? What do I want? Who do I want? Who am I?

It felt like being drowned and floating everywhere and nowhere at the same time in a typhoon ridden sea. I couldn't make heads or tails of things so I did what I have always done to survive. I rode the wave of changes. Letting myself be dragged and guiding myself till i could reorient myself.

Which brings me now to this predicament of facts:
Me and F dont have relationship sexual intimacy (per se)
Me and B had sex but I was never involved, still B stuck the ex mark on me
B and A had sex and had the same run in with me and B, A had the ex mark stuck on him too.
(when I brought everyone home)
C gave F a BJ while we were all talking
F jacked off A while I slept soundly in the same room
A gave me what I wanted and what he wanted to do to clear things up, yes it wasn't just lust he felt

I am still unclear of things, these two days I have been man free, both A and F have been out and about and I am left to think, freely since a long time. And I think the best solution is complete dissolution of current relationship and possible ones till I can get my head straight, on what I really want in a relationship, in my life and if I can still trust myself in a given situation where I won't be straying like the local bitch.

I thought I had things well in hand but now its the opposite. I got to scramble, hopefully this coming year will be a cleaner slate and untangled webs.

Updates 101

It's been a long while (ok so I forgot my username and password~ geez), then again I never started this to get attention or having myself known. Still, I'll write for the pleasure (or misery) it brings.

I've always wanted to be transparent, wearing my heart on my sleeve, but lately things have been muddled that I could barely see myself, or what I've become.

I cant blame fate or injustice or luck as the decisions I made were conscious and I'd like to think; logical at the time. For right now, I'm stuck in a rut, the guy I'm living with for 3 years is someone I care for but we haven't done anything that friends wouldn't do with or for each other (and I have friends I've done a lot more things for and with than 'normal' folk that I care to mention right now).

We live together, help each other, care for each other, have fights, kiss and make up, shop, make decisions together and help plan each others little stuff. But the one thing that we lack is the one thing that I need to cement this relationship and my well being. To put it graphically:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

I think I got most of this covered but sex as part of my physiological need? Sexual intimacy? I feel like a priest except i didn't take any vows. And since I was never prepared (and probably never will) to be subjected to this kind of relationship, certain... idiosyncrasies come out and play. 

My temperament could be better, its like I snap at most things that mildly irritate me. My patience, already reserved for work has already been eroded to the point I can barely take anymore without breathing out, leaving, taking a break out of things in this home. Add to that I have full expectations in being 'in' a relationship and you have the recipe for modern day self mutilation/destruction. 

Love, understanding, sharing, caring, (fights/creative discussions of contrasting opinions ~ like it never happens), making up, teaming up and doing things individually, going out, staying in, meeting new friends and solidifying the old for each others side and yeah, the sexual intimacy are what usually  makes up for me a healthy relationship.

My biggest gripe is that there are more than a few things that just don't add up that allowed me to reach this point, things that could have been easily resolved by honesty. There are times I feel like a slut, almost begging for things to happen (which it doesn't) and having to contend with my cursed logical brain saying "he is a horny man, he likes to read and watch porn so why doesnt he do IT with me?" ~ logic dictates that I am not attractive enough to be that much of an interesting treat sexually. Nevermind if this was like once or twice or infrequent but *sigh* banging my head on a titanium wall will not resolve this.

If only he told me why, I could understand but I keep getting the there's is nothing wrong with you or me thing. Again, like friends only more complicated.

In the end, I just want to unclog my life, to make things, if only a little bit, simpler so i can talk about other things. I think the time to talk with him is near, I just don't know where and when to start...

Strength, love and fidelity

Being a man, albeit a man who loves men, has always meant for me to be strong, not just physically, but even emotionally. I shouldn't cry, I should never get beaten down, never be weak. Things that being a kid instilled on me.

That of somehow clashed with being a catholic in a catholic school.

You should be nice, be tolerant, forgive and forget, turn the other cheek, be meek and mild etc. Forgive me Lord but that was a truly awful time and a story for another day, still I learned to mesh both together to be who I am. Someone stereotypically trying to be strong, if only willed, in front of other people, trying desperately to be the last to fall if not emerge victorious.

Now though, this strength I project is only a fraction of who I can be. I've gone weak several times but still succeed in keep to my sanity. Being in a relationship like this is taxing. I love my partner, but when I can't share the intimacies of what I expect from a relationship like this, I falter. My body needs the feeling of warmth in and outside my being, being needed for things other than affection and everyday living. My soul needs that connection, being linked, to be impaled or impale upon the very being you adore and cherish. And in that I have faltered several times over, I cannot proceed completely in a relationship this platonic. Thus was born my reservations, my incompleteness in this venture. Time will tell when I succumb... and fail.

On the interim, I try to survive on what intimate affections are afforded to me, be it by mercy or mutual attraction, I took them all, that is until recently.

I met this guy some time ago and I instantly liked him a lot. Though we didnt hit it off immediately, we eventually got to talk about my needs but he never really talked about his. We can talk almost about anything, shared some common interests and I felt the need to protect him, shelter him and make him feel special.

Fortune was not always so kind on me, so like me, he is in a relationship with a handsome and adorable man. The only difference is that the guy is in another country so he too is like me, 'allowed' to partake in things necessary while we both avoid breaking our relationships. It sounded ideal but interest on his part for me, at least for what I sense, was not the same. An uber social creature with tons of possible alternatives ranging from the pathetic to the glamorous, he can have almost anything at any time with anyone he already knows and possible with anyone he meets.

I on the other had... well, lets leave it at that.

At times, in some lurid dream I feel helpless and in need of rescuing, and my handsome (for me) gruff warrior will rescue me, take me on his horse and ride into the sunset. That is, if even allow myself to be treated like a spoiled weak always in need to be rescued princess. When that thought comes to mind, thats when i usually wake up.

So as I struggle with inner turmoil, avoiding a guy a night syndromes and balancing everything else in my life with a precision scale, I yet live to see each day and try to better myself. Try not to cry, try not to be weak, try to stay and not stray.