Broken Clock

My best friend just recently got exclusive (somewhat) with this adorable little twink who's like oh so (Pardon my Blonde) all over him and like, you know, the guy is like uber top and cooks and its like sooooooooo yummy! My goodness, he's got my vote, wish he had an older brother hoohoohoo.

On a serious note, the guy was young and reminded me of myself, how I could go all out on someone i really really like (love?!?), something I feel I've been missing in trying to be careful and guarded. Somehow I think I know why.

Somethings broken I'm sure, how else can I explain it? Something in me isn't ticking right and seeing my best friend having the time of his life is making me feel a bit envious. Making me feel I wish I had someone like that, whom I could feel mutually excited about. Add to that there's no one (except one ex) who's like gaga over me and that I'm not exactly the picture of a helpless damsel in distress needing his knight in shining armor.

I guess I'm just trying to rationalize this feeling of want/need for something more, this slight ache that makes me wish I wasn't feeling alone in bed, hugging a pillow and just dozing off since I'm just tired from work. Deep inside I was wishing I was hugging my lifelong partner, feeling tired after a hot passionate session and just talking a bit before sleeping in each others arms.

I know I need fixing, I just need the right timing, but with a badly ticking clock, how am I ever gonna get things going? For now its the pillow after a solo session and sleeping fitfully while my mind waits for work to start again.

Changes

Since I even thought about applying for the new post at the office, things have been turbid at best with my mind, I've been trying to make sense of certain things but it never gets any clearer than a glimpse of happiness or a moment of joy. Things I'm trying to cherish but somehow it flows away into memory faster than I can keep track of them.

Now that I've passed the written exam and finished the interview which could lead to the new post, I'm starting to get some forward direction at least in something I value, my job.

Still, its been a long time since i've had anything more intimate than providing quick pleasure and its starting to be not enough...

This leads to my ex who had his college friend over for a night, this guy had some seminar in Manila and didnt have a place to stay. I have to say, I think I was the only guy my ex made a mistake of staying since this guy was cute at the very least, gruff, has meat in the right places but not gym things from mars. I was already entertaining thoughts of seducing the guy but I had work and the guy was to stay for the night only, too bad, I might have made his stay more... colorful than the pictures I took of him.

With the work week almost ending for me, I'm not sure what to do, I feel I want to be chaotic and just get banged and another is to just cuddle in bed whether alone or with company. But even that might get dashed in case I get the post as training MIGHT immediately start on friday, killing any plans I had... changes, a freaking bummer at times, but its something that has to happen...