Things heated up the last few days, accelerating and finally ending in one quiet but disturbing encounter with us just talking sense for once, unfortunately, it may as well be the last.
Three years and some months (since we never really had an anniversary) and it ends with a whimper and not a bang. He started the talk, I dropped the bomb, I became the great evil, but better than prolonging mutual agony which the end was accepted on both sides.
The thing I need to do now is to learn a bit of disassociation. He moved his computer table out of the room as he now stays in another room till his family can move out (and him as well). He tries to be nice, tries to be more conscientious, caring but at the same time formal. It actually hurts more than its supposed to be!
I have a buffer in the form of a friend, but when I'm alone like now, things slowly pour like concrete settling in. Many realizations but the end thing is, I'm free but not totally.
I'm different, probably more ragged, more needy, more... tense and I don't totally trust my feelings for now, like everything is in question.
Hopefully things will settle down as things move on their own pace, moving apart, starting in a new direction.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Tangled webs
December 2, 2010, Thursday was like a convergence of things that made me realize some things.
I am definitely lost
You see, a friend died (call him B), who happens to be a mutual friend of my ex (call him A). This mutual friend was purportedly the catalyst for the break up, who was supposed to be my ex (how can one be an ex when they aren't an 'item' is beyond me) after A became my ex because I had, stuff to deal with. A told me of B's passing and eventually we met somewhere in Makati on December 2, 2010.
Since complications comes in batches, I brought a friend (call him C) from the office as a guide (yes, I work in Makati but I don't know these places and stuff) we found A and I felt the urge to just hug the guy. Warmly received, it made things more complicated since he hated me for a long time and I felt that I really did something awful with the breakup BUT it melted away in that one moment.
Fast forward, my friend from LB (call him D) who brought another friend (call him E) was going to my place too and informed me just that moment of their arrival. We 3 talked and talked till I invited A and C to stay at my place where my current (call him F) stays too. At this point, having everyone there would create sufficient favorable chaos in the already unfavorable chaos in my place (F's family is staying here for a (long) while).
Mingling past and present, I felt suddenly that my world went full tilt (my fiery ex, A has that effect on me). I already knew I had to do something with my current relationship, but I was dragging my feet. Then boom, old feelings are starting to resurface but I am in doubt as usual. Is this real, am I doing this as an easy escape? Would history repeat itself? Would I become 'evil' again? What do I want? Who do I want? Who am I?
It felt like being drowned and floating everywhere and nowhere at the same time in a typhoon ridden sea. I couldn't make heads or tails of things so I did what I have always done to survive. I rode the wave of changes. Letting myself be dragged and guiding myself till i could reorient myself.
Which brings me now to this predicament of facts:
Me and F dont have relationship sexual intimacy (per se)
Me and B had sex but I was never involved, still B stuck the ex mark on me
B and A had sex and had the same run in with me and B, A had the ex mark stuck on him too.
(when I brought everyone home)
C gave F a BJ while we were all talking
F jacked off A while I slept soundly in the same room
A gave me what I wanted and what he wanted to do to clear things up, yes it wasn't just lust he felt
I am still unclear of things, these two days I have been man free, both A and F have been out and about and I am left to think, freely since a long time. And I think the best solution is complete dissolution of current relationship and possible ones till I can get my head straight, on what I really want in a relationship, in my life and if I can still trust myself in a given situation where I won't be straying like the local bitch.
I thought I had things well in hand but now its the opposite. I got to scramble, hopefully this coming year will be a cleaner slate and untangled webs.
I am definitely lost
You see, a friend died (call him B), who happens to be a mutual friend of my ex (call him A). This mutual friend was purportedly the catalyst for the break up, who was supposed to be my ex (how can one be an ex when they aren't an 'item' is beyond me) after A became my ex because I had, stuff to deal with. A told me of B's passing and eventually we met somewhere in Makati on December 2, 2010.
Since complications comes in batches, I brought a friend (call him C) from the office as a guide (yes, I work in Makati but I don't know these places and stuff) we found A and I felt the urge to just hug the guy. Warmly received, it made things more complicated since he hated me for a long time and I felt that I really did something awful with the breakup BUT it melted away in that one moment.
Fast forward, my friend from LB (call him D) who brought another friend (call him E) was going to my place too and informed me just that moment of their arrival. We 3 talked and talked till I invited A and C to stay at my place where my current (call him F) stays too. At this point, having everyone there would create sufficient favorable chaos in the already unfavorable chaos in my place (F's family is staying here for a (long) while).
Mingling past and present, I felt suddenly that my world went full tilt (my fiery ex, A has that effect on me). I already knew I had to do something with my current relationship, but I was dragging my feet. Then boom, old feelings are starting to resurface but I am in doubt as usual. Is this real, am I doing this as an easy escape? Would history repeat itself? Would I become 'evil' again? What do I want? Who do I want? Who am I?
It felt like being drowned and floating everywhere and nowhere at the same time in a typhoon ridden sea. I couldn't make heads or tails of things so I did what I have always done to survive. I rode the wave of changes. Letting myself be dragged and guiding myself till i could reorient myself.
Which brings me now to this predicament of facts:
Me and F dont have relationship sexual intimacy (per se)
Me and B had sex but I was never involved, still B stuck the ex mark on me
B and A had sex and had the same run in with me and B, A had the ex mark stuck on him too.
(when I brought everyone home)
C gave F a BJ while we were all talking
F jacked off A while I slept soundly in the same room
A gave me what I wanted and what he wanted to do to clear things up, yes it wasn't just lust he felt
I am still unclear of things, these two days I have been man free, both A and F have been out and about and I am left to think, freely since a long time. And I think the best solution is complete dissolution of current relationship and possible ones till I can get my head straight, on what I really want in a relationship, in my life and if I can still trust myself in a given situation where I won't be straying like the local bitch.
I thought I had things well in hand but now its the opposite. I got to scramble, hopefully this coming year will be a cleaner slate and untangled webs.
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