Tangled webs

December 2, 2010, Thursday was like a convergence of things that made me realize some things.

I am definitely lost


You see, a friend died (call him B), who happens to be a mutual friend of my ex (call him A). This mutual friend was purportedly the catalyst for the break up, who was supposed to be my ex (how can one be an ex when they aren't an 'item' is beyond me) after A became my ex because I had, stuff to deal with. A told me of  B's passing and eventually we met somewhere in Makati on December 2, 2010.

Since complications comes in batches, I brought a friend (call him C) from the office as a guide (yes, I work in Makati but I don't know these places and stuff) we found A and I felt the urge to just hug the guy. Warmly received, it made things more complicated since he hated me for a long time and I felt that I really did something awful with the breakup BUT it melted away in that one moment.

Fast forward, my friend from LB (call him D) who brought another friend (call him E) was going to my place too and informed me just that moment of their arrival. We 3 talked and talked till I invited A and C to stay at my place where my current (call him F) stays too. At this point, having everyone there would create sufficient favorable chaos in the already unfavorable chaos in my place (F's family is staying here for a (long) while).

Mingling past and present, I felt suddenly that my world went full tilt (my fiery ex, A has that effect on me). I already knew I had to do something with my current relationship, but I was dragging my feet. Then boom, old feelings are starting to resurface but I am in doubt as usual. Is this real, am I doing this as an easy escape? Would history repeat itself? Would I become 'evil' again? What do I want? Who do I want? Who am I?

It felt like being drowned and floating everywhere and nowhere at the same time in a typhoon ridden sea. I couldn't make heads or tails of things so I did what I have always done to survive. I rode the wave of changes. Letting myself be dragged and guiding myself till i could reorient myself.

Which brings me now to this predicament of facts:
Me and F dont have relationship sexual intimacy (per se)
Me and B had sex but I was never involved, still B stuck the ex mark on me
B and A had sex and had the same run in with me and B, A had the ex mark stuck on him too.
(when I brought everyone home)
C gave F a BJ while we were all talking
F jacked off A while I slept soundly in the same room
A gave me what I wanted and what he wanted to do to clear things up, yes it wasn't just lust he felt

I am still unclear of things, these two days I have been man free, both A and F have been out and about and I am left to think, freely since a long time. And I think the best solution is complete dissolution of current relationship and possible ones till I can get my head straight, on what I really want in a relationship, in my life and if I can still trust myself in a given situation where I won't be straying like the local bitch.

I thought I had things well in hand but now its the opposite. I got to scramble, hopefully this coming year will be a cleaner slate and untangled webs.