Strength, love and fidelity

Being a man, albeit a man who loves men, has always meant for me to be strong, not just physically, but even emotionally. I shouldn't cry, I should never get beaten down, never be weak. Things that being a kid instilled on me.

That of somehow clashed with being a catholic in a catholic school.

You should be nice, be tolerant, forgive and forget, turn the other cheek, be meek and mild etc. Forgive me Lord but that was a truly awful time and a story for another day, still I learned to mesh both together to be who I am. Someone stereotypically trying to be strong, if only willed, in front of other people, trying desperately to be the last to fall if not emerge victorious.

Now though, this strength I project is only a fraction of who I can be. I've gone weak several times but still succeed in keep to my sanity. Being in a relationship like this is taxing. I love my partner, but when I can't share the intimacies of what I expect from a relationship like this, I falter. My body needs the feeling of warmth in and outside my being, being needed for things other than affection and everyday living. My soul needs that connection, being linked, to be impaled or impale upon the very being you adore and cherish. And in that I have faltered several times over, I cannot proceed completely in a relationship this platonic. Thus was born my reservations, my incompleteness in this venture. Time will tell when I succumb... and fail.

On the interim, I try to survive on what intimate affections are afforded to me, be it by mercy or mutual attraction, I took them all, that is until recently.

I met this guy some time ago and I instantly liked him a lot. Though we didnt hit it off immediately, we eventually got to talk about my needs but he never really talked about his. We can talk almost about anything, shared some common interests and I felt the need to protect him, shelter him and make him feel special.

Fortune was not always so kind on me, so like me, he is in a relationship with a handsome and adorable man. The only difference is that the guy is in another country so he too is like me, 'allowed' to partake in things necessary while we both avoid breaking our relationships. It sounded ideal but interest on his part for me, at least for what I sense, was not the same. An uber social creature with tons of possible alternatives ranging from the pathetic to the glamorous, he can have almost anything at any time with anyone he already knows and possible with anyone he meets.

I on the other had... well, lets leave it at that.

At times, in some lurid dream I feel helpless and in need of rescuing, and my handsome (for me) gruff warrior will rescue me, take me on his horse and ride into the sunset. That is, if even allow myself to be treated like a spoiled weak always in need to be rescued princess. When that thought comes to mind, thats when i usually wake up.

So as I struggle with inner turmoil, avoiding a guy a night syndromes and balancing everything else in my life with a precision scale, I yet live to see each day and try to better myself. Try not to cry, try not to be weak, try to stay and not stray.

Have I told you lately...

Of late, I have been slowly but surely, rethinking about the whole mess I'm in right now. Falling for the wrong guy was always a trait I exhibited (though rarely if ever, admitted), most of the ex's I've  been with are either: I love them a lot more (they left me, they left me for another guy, they had another guy before me and I was a fling) or they loved me more and I left them cause they were unstable (mentally) or couldn't fulfill the basics of a relationship for me (trust, sex and love).

And now, I think I really really really dig this guy, almost all my archetypal likes are there except he's not chunky. Still, the times we became intimate (even without kissing as he seems to be keeping that and me at a distance) it was grand, I felt wanted, needed and the connection was, really good. Off the matress was alright too, we could talk about almost anything, though most of our likes are different, like he loves sports, I like motorcycles, he's into adding up so many friends on his social networking and I'm finding ways to trim the hedges, that kind of oppositism is alright with me.

I'm always soft with these kinds of guy, the type of guy everyone wants in or out of bed and is most of the time unattainable. Specially since he is already attached with someone through a long distance thing (which makes our intimacy pretty legal) and the reason he probably doesn't want to go beyond the consensual sex and good friendship. I don't blame him, I blame me...

Seeing their video, a dedication to their love makes me smile, I feel their love is real, palpable even through the distance. I can only imagine the inspiration they have for each other because of it.

Right now though, my muse is absent, probably staging a strike as to my predicament. You see, I too, am also attached, I am loved much more than I feel love for the other, who I call my mate. I take care of him and he takes care of me. But I cannot say that our relationship is complete, there's that 'missing' piece, the reason I cannot fully accept us being together. It's the lack of sex.

I know what I want, I know what I need. I want your love, I want your revenge, I don't wanna be friends as Lady Gaga said. I want the whole package, love, sex and a relationship.

I mean honestly, really really good friends can be supportive enough to be considered partners that help each other in almost all aspects of life, ell, they could even live in the same house but they aren't 'partners', mostly cause there's no sex and no relationship beyond friends. Then there's the other side that you can be friends and have sex but no relationship beyond that of friends.

So I guess what we have is just an agreement to love and care for each other, no sex (beyond mutual jacking) and a love that seems to tide me over my insanities. Still, I feel shortchanged and him being very jealous of almost anyone becoming close enough for sex (though he 'says' he'll allow me to have it with other guys).

It can be one hell of a complication, but guilt prevents me from leaving my partner, guilt prevents me from advancing on the other guy... I'm getting old, but I'm also guilty of not giving myself the chance to be truly happy

Age tells me that the other side of the fence may look greener, but that doesn't mean it'll last, nor would it be right. I haven't told myself to get a life, maybe I should soon.