Have I told you lately...

Of late, I have been slowly but surely, rethinking about the whole mess I'm in right now. Falling for the wrong guy was always a trait I exhibited (though rarely if ever, admitted), most of the ex's I've  been with are either: I love them a lot more (they left me, they left me for another guy, they had another guy before me and I was a fling) or they loved me more and I left them cause they were unstable (mentally) or couldn't fulfill the basics of a relationship for me (trust, sex and love).

And now, I think I really really really dig this guy, almost all my archetypal likes are there except he's not chunky. Still, the times we became intimate (even without kissing as he seems to be keeping that and me at a distance) it was grand, I felt wanted, needed and the connection was, really good. Off the matress was alright too, we could talk about almost anything, though most of our likes are different, like he loves sports, I like motorcycles, he's into adding up so many friends on his social networking and I'm finding ways to trim the hedges, that kind of oppositism is alright with me.

I'm always soft with these kinds of guy, the type of guy everyone wants in or out of bed and is most of the time unattainable. Specially since he is already attached with someone through a long distance thing (which makes our intimacy pretty legal) and the reason he probably doesn't want to go beyond the consensual sex and good friendship. I don't blame him, I blame me...

Seeing their video, a dedication to their love makes me smile, I feel their love is real, palpable even through the distance. I can only imagine the inspiration they have for each other because of it.

Right now though, my muse is absent, probably staging a strike as to my predicament. You see, I too, am also attached, I am loved much more than I feel love for the other, who I call my mate. I take care of him and he takes care of me. But I cannot say that our relationship is complete, there's that 'missing' piece, the reason I cannot fully accept us being together. It's the lack of sex.

I know what I want, I know what I need. I want your love, I want your revenge, I don't wanna be friends as Lady Gaga said. I want the whole package, love, sex and a relationship.

I mean honestly, really really good friends can be supportive enough to be considered partners that help each other in almost all aspects of life, ell, they could even live in the same house but they aren't 'partners', mostly cause there's no sex and no relationship beyond friends. Then there's the other side that you can be friends and have sex but no relationship beyond that of friends.

So I guess what we have is just an agreement to love and care for each other, no sex (beyond mutual jacking) and a love that seems to tide me over my insanities. Still, I feel shortchanged and him being very jealous of almost anyone becoming close enough for sex (though he 'says' he'll allow me to have it with other guys).

It can be one hell of a complication, but guilt prevents me from leaving my partner, guilt prevents me from advancing on the other guy... I'm getting old, but I'm also guilty of not giving myself the chance to be truly happy

Age tells me that the other side of the fence may look greener, but that doesn't mean it'll last, nor would it be right. I haven't told myself to get a life, maybe I should soon.