Strength, love and fidelity

Being a man, albeit a man who loves men, has always meant for me to be strong, not just physically, but even emotionally. I shouldn't cry, I should never get beaten down, never be weak. Things that being a kid instilled on me.

That of somehow clashed with being a catholic in a catholic school.

You should be nice, be tolerant, forgive and forget, turn the other cheek, be meek and mild etc. Forgive me Lord but that was a truly awful time and a story for another day, still I learned to mesh both together to be who I am. Someone stereotypically trying to be strong, if only willed, in front of other people, trying desperately to be the last to fall if not emerge victorious.

Now though, this strength I project is only a fraction of who I can be. I've gone weak several times but still succeed in keep to my sanity. Being in a relationship like this is taxing. I love my partner, but when I can't share the intimacies of what I expect from a relationship like this, I falter. My body needs the feeling of warmth in and outside my being, being needed for things other than affection and everyday living. My soul needs that connection, being linked, to be impaled or impale upon the very being you adore and cherish. And in that I have faltered several times over, I cannot proceed completely in a relationship this platonic. Thus was born my reservations, my incompleteness in this venture. Time will tell when I succumb... and fail.

On the interim, I try to survive on what intimate affections are afforded to me, be it by mercy or mutual attraction, I took them all, that is until recently.

I met this guy some time ago and I instantly liked him a lot. Though we didnt hit it off immediately, we eventually got to talk about my needs but he never really talked about his. We can talk almost about anything, shared some common interests and I felt the need to protect him, shelter him and make him feel special.

Fortune was not always so kind on me, so like me, he is in a relationship with a handsome and adorable man. The only difference is that the guy is in another country so he too is like me, 'allowed' to partake in things necessary while we both avoid breaking our relationships. It sounded ideal but interest on his part for me, at least for what I sense, was not the same. An uber social creature with tons of possible alternatives ranging from the pathetic to the glamorous, he can have almost anything at any time with anyone he already knows and possible with anyone he meets.

I on the other had... well, lets leave it at that.

At times, in some lurid dream I feel helpless and in need of rescuing, and my handsome (for me) gruff warrior will rescue me, take me on his horse and ride into the sunset. That is, if even allow myself to be treated like a spoiled weak always in need to be rescued princess. When that thought comes to mind, thats when i usually wake up.

So as I struggle with inner turmoil, avoiding a guy a night syndromes and balancing everything else in my life with a precision scale, I yet live to see each day and try to better myself. Try not to cry, try not to be weak, try to stay and not stray.