I've always wanted to be transparent, wearing my heart on my sleeve, but lately things have been muddled that I could barely see myself, or what I've become.
I cant blame fate or injustice or luck as the decisions I made were conscious and I'd like to think; logical at the time. For right now, I'm stuck in a rut, the guy I'm living with for 3 years is someone I care for but we haven't done anything that friends wouldn't do with or for each other (and I have friends I've done a lot more things for and with than 'normal' folk that I care to mention right now).
We live together, help each other, care for each other, have fights, kiss and make up, shop, make decisions together and help plan each others little stuff. But the one thing that we lack is the one thing that I need to cement this relationship and my well being. To put it graphically:
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| http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs |
I think I got most of this covered but sex as part of my physiological need? Sexual intimacy? I feel like a priest except i didn't take any vows. And since I was never prepared (and probably never will) to be subjected to this kind of relationship, certain... idiosyncrasies come out and play.
My temperament could be better, its like I snap at most things that mildly irritate me. My patience, already reserved for work has already been eroded to the point I can barely take anymore without breathing out, leaving, taking a break out of things in this home. Add to that I have full expectations in being 'in' a relationship and you have the recipe for modern day self mutilation/destruction.
Love, understanding, sharing, caring, (fights/creative discussions of contrasting opinions ~ like it never happens), making up, teaming up and doing things individually, going out, staying in, meeting new friends and solidifying the old for each others side and yeah, the sexual intimacy are what usually makes up for me a healthy relationship.
My biggest gripe is that there are more than a few things that just don't add up that allowed me to reach this point, things that could have been easily resolved by honesty. There are times I feel like a slut, almost begging for things to happen (which it doesn't) and having to contend with my cursed logical brain saying "he is a horny man, he likes to read and watch porn so why doesnt he do IT with me?" ~ logic dictates that I am not attractive enough to be that much of an interesting treat sexually. Nevermind if this was like once or twice or infrequent but *sigh* banging my head on a titanium wall will not resolve this.
If only he told me why, I could understand but I keep getting the there's is nothing wrong with you or me thing. Again, like friends only more complicated.
In the end, I just want to unclog my life, to make things, if only a little bit, simpler so i can talk about other things. I think the time to talk with him is near, I just don't know where and when to start...
My biggest gripe is that there are more than a few things that just don't add up that allowed me to reach this point, things that could have been easily resolved by honesty. There are times I feel like a slut, almost begging for things to happen (which it doesn't) and having to contend with my cursed logical brain saying "he is a horny man, he likes to read and watch porn so why doesnt he do IT with me?" ~ logic dictates that I am not attractive enough to be that much of an interesting treat sexually. Nevermind if this was like once or twice or infrequent but *sigh* banging my head on a titanium wall will not resolve this.
If only he told me why, I could understand but I keep getting the there's is nothing wrong with you or me thing. Again, like friends only more complicated.
In the end, I just want to unclog my life, to make things, if only a little bit, simpler so i can talk about other things. I think the time to talk with him is near, I just don't know where and when to start...
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