A quick post, a slow grind, a long ways to go...

Things heated up the last few days, accelerating and finally ending in one quiet but disturbing encounter with us just talking sense for once, unfortunately, it may as well be the last.

Three years and some months (since we never really had an anniversary) and it ends with a whimper and not a bang. He started the talk, I dropped the bomb, I became the great evil, but better than prolonging mutual agony which the end was accepted on both sides.

The thing I need to do now is to learn a bit of disassociation. He moved his computer table out of the room as he now stays in another room till his family can move out (and him as well). He tries to be nice, tries to be more conscientious, caring but at the same time formal. It actually hurts more than its supposed to be!

I have a buffer in the form of a friend, but when I'm alone like now, things slowly pour like concrete settling in. Many realizations but the end thing is, I'm free but not totally.

I'm different, probably more ragged, more needy, more... tense and I don't totally trust my feelings for now, like everything is in question.

Hopefully things will settle down as things move on their own pace, moving apart, starting in a new direction.

Tangled webs

December 2, 2010, Thursday was like a convergence of things that made me realize some things.

I am definitely lost


You see, a friend died (call him B), who happens to be a mutual friend of my ex (call him A). This mutual friend was purportedly the catalyst for the break up, who was supposed to be my ex (how can one be an ex when they aren't an 'item' is beyond me) after A became my ex because I had, stuff to deal with. A told me of  B's passing and eventually we met somewhere in Makati on December 2, 2010.

Since complications comes in batches, I brought a friend (call him C) from the office as a guide (yes, I work in Makati but I don't know these places and stuff) we found A and I felt the urge to just hug the guy. Warmly received, it made things more complicated since he hated me for a long time and I felt that I really did something awful with the breakup BUT it melted away in that one moment.

Fast forward, my friend from LB (call him D) who brought another friend (call him E) was going to my place too and informed me just that moment of their arrival. We 3 talked and talked till I invited A and C to stay at my place where my current (call him F) stays too. At this point, having everyone there would create sufficient favorable chaos in the already unfavorable chaos in my place (F's family is staying here for a (long) while).

Mingling past and present, I felt suddenly that my world went full tilt (my fiery ex, A has that effect on me). I already knew I had to do something with my current relationship, but I was dragging my feet. Then boom, old feelings are starting to resurface but I am in doubt as usual. Is this real, am I doing this as an easy escape? Would history repeat itself? Would I become 'evil' again? What do I want? Who do I want? Who am I?

It felt like being drowned and floating everywhere and nowhere at the same time in a typhoon ridden sea. I couldn't make heads or tails of things so I did what I have always done to survive. I rode the wave of changes. Letting myself be dragged and guiding myself till i could reorient myself.

Which brings me now to this predicament of facts:
Me and F dont have relationship sexual intimacy (per se)
Me and B had sex but I was never involved, still B stuck the ex mark on me
B and A had sex and had the same run in with me and B, A had the ex mark stuck on him too.
(when I brought everyone home)
C gave F a BJ while we were all talking
F jacked off A while I slept soundly in the same room
A gave me what I wanted and what he wanted to do to clear things up, yes it wasn't just lust he felt

I am still unclear of things, these two days I have been man free, both A and F have been out and about and I am left to think, freely since a long time. And I think the best solution is complete dissolution of current relationship and possible ones till I can get my head straight, on what I really want in a relationship, in my life and if I can still trust myself in a given situation where I won't be straying like the local bitch.

I thought I had things well in hand but now its the opposite. I got to scramble, hopefully this coming year will be a cleaner slate and untangled webs.

Updates 101

It's been a long while (ok so I forgot my username and password~ geez), then again I never started this to get attention or having myself known. Still, I'll write for the pleasure (or misery) it brings.

I've always wanted to be transparent, wearing my heart on my sleeve, but lately things have been muddled that I could barely see myself, or what I've become.

I cant blame fate or injustice or luck as the decisions I made were conscious and I'd like to think; logical at the time. For right now, I'm stuck in a rut, the guy I'm living with for 3 years is someone I care for but we haven't done anything that friends wouldn't do with or for each other (and I have friends I've done a lot more things for and with than 'normal' folk that I care to mention right now).

We live together, help each other, care for each other, have fights, kiss and make up, shop, make decisions together and help plan each others little stuff. But the one thing that we lack is the one thing that I need to cement this relationship and my well being. To put it graphically:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

I think I got most of this covered but sex as part of my physiological need? Sexual intimacy? I feel like a priest except i didn't take any vows. And since I was never prepared (and probably never will) to be subjected to this kind of relationship, certain... idiosyncrasies come out and play. 

My temperament could be better, its like I snap at most things that mildly irritate me. My patience, already reserved for work has already been eroded to the point I can barely take anymore without breathing out, leaving, taking a break out of things in this home. Add to that I have full expectations in being 'in' a relationship and you have the recipe for modern day self mutilation/destruction. 

Love, understanding, sharing, caring, (fights/creative discussions of contrasting opinions ~ like it never happens), making up, teaming up and doing things individually, going out, staying in, meeting new friends and solidifying the old for each others side and yeah, the sexual intimacy are what usually  makes up for me a healthy relationship.

My biggest gripe is that there are more than a few things that just don't add up that allowed me to reach this point, things that could have been easily resolved by honesty. There are times I feel like a slut, almost begging for things to happen (which it doesn't) and having to contend with my cursed logical brain saying "he is a horny man, he likes to read and watch porn so why doesnt he do IT with me?" ~ logic dictates that I am not attractive enough to be that much of an interesting treat sexually. Nevermind if this was like once or twice or infrequent but *sigh* banging my head on a titanium wall will not resolve this.

If only he told me why, I could understand but I keep getting the there's is nothing wrong with you or me thing. Again, like friends only more complicated.

In the end, I just want to unclog my life, to make things, if only a little bit, simpler so i can talk about other things. I think the time to talk with him is near, I just don't know where and when to start...

Strength, love and fidelity

Being a man, albeit a man who loves men, has always meant for me to be strong, not just physically, but even emotionally. I shouldn't cry, I should never get beaten down, never be weak. Things that being a kid instilled on me.

That of somehow clashed with being a catholic in a catholic school.

You should be nice, be tolerant, forgive and forget, turn the other cheek, be meek and mild etc. Forgive me Lord but that was a truly awful time and a story for another day, still I learned to mesh both together to be who I am. Someone stereotypically trying to be strong, if only willed, in front of other people, trying desperately to be the last to fall if not emerge victorious.

Now though, this strength I project is only a fraction of who I can be. I've gone weak several times but still succeed in keep to my sanity. Being in a relationship like this is taxing. I love my partner, but when I can't share the intimacies of what I expect from a relationship like this, I falter. My body needs the feeling of warmth in and outside my being, being needed for things other than affection and everyday living. My soul needs that connection, being linked, to be impaled or impale upon the very being you adore and cherish. And in that I have faltered several times over, I cannot proceed completely in a relationship this platonic. Thus was born my reservations, my incompleteness in this venture. Time will tell when I succumb... and fail.

On the interim, I try to survive on what intimate affections are afforded to me, be it by mercy or mutual attraction, I took them all, that is until recently.

I met this guy some time ago and I instantly liked him a lot. Though we didnt hit it off immediately, we eventually got to talk about my needs but he never really talked about his. We can talk almost about anything, shared some common interests and I felt the need to protect him, shelter him and make him feel special.

Fortune was not always so kind on me, so like me, he is in a relationship with a handsome and adorable man. The only difference is that the guy is in another country so he too is like me, 'allowed' to partake in things necessary while we both avoid breaking our relationships. It sounded ideal but interest on his part for me, at least for what I sense, was not the same. An uber social creature with tons of possible alternatives ranging from the pathetic to the glamorous, he can have almost anything at any time with anyone he already knows and possible with anyone he meets.

I on the other had... well, lets leave it at that.

At times, in some lurid dream I feel helpless and in need of rescuing, and my handsome (for me) gruff warrior will rescue me, take me on his horse and ride into the sunset. That is, if even allow myself to be treated like a spoiled weak always in need to be rescued princess. When that thought comes to mind, thats when i usually wake up.

So as I struggle with inner turmoil, avoiding a guy a night syndromes and balancing everything else in my life with a precision scale, I yet live to see each day and try to better myself. Try not to cry, try not to be weak, try to stay and not stray.

Have I told you lately...

Of late, I have been slowly but surely, rethinking about the whole mess I'm in right now. Falling for the wrong guy was always a trait I exhibited (though rarely if ever, admitted), most of the ex's I've  been with are either: I love them a lot more (they left me, they left me for another guy, they had another guy before me and I was a fling) or they loved me more and I left them cause they were unstable (mentally) or couldn't fulfill the basics of a relationship for me (trust, sex and love).

And now, I think I really really really dig this guy, almost all my archetypal likes are there except he's not chunky. Still, the times we became intimate (even without kissing as he seems to be keeping that and me at a distance) it was grand, I felt wanted, needed and the connection was, really good. Off the matress was alright too, we could talk about almost anything, though most of our likes are different, like he loves sports, I like motorcycles, he's into adding up so many friends on his social networking and I'm finding ways to trim the hedges, that kind of oppositism is alright with me.

I'm always soft with these kinds of guy, the type of guy everyone wants in or out of bed and is most of the time unattainable. Specially since he is already attached with someone through a long distance thing (which makes our intimacy pretty legal) and the reason he probably doesn't want to go beyond the consensual sex and good friendship. I don't blame him, I blame me...

Seeing their video, a dedication to their love makes me smile, I feel their love is real, palpable even through the distance. I can only imagine the inspiration they have for each other because of it.

Right now though, my muse is absent, probably staging a strike as to my predicament. You see, I too, am also attached, I am loved much more than I feel love for the other, who I call my mate. I take care of him and he takes care of me. But I cannot say that our relationship is complete, there's that 'missing' piece, the reason I cannot fully accept us being together. It's the lack of sex.

I know what I want, I know what I need. I want your love, I want your revenge, I don't wanna be friends as Lady Gaga said. I want the whole package, love, sex and a relationship.

I mean honestly, really really good friends can be supportive enough to be considered partners that help each other in almost all aspects of life, ell, they could even live in the same house but they aren't 'partners', mostly cause there's no sex and no relationship beyond friends. Then there's the other side that you can be friends and have sex but no relationship beyond that of friends.

So I guess what we have is just an agreement to love and care for each other, no sex (beyond mutual jacking) and a love that seems to tide me over my insanities. Still, I feel shortchanged and him being very jealous of almost anyone becoming close enough for sex (though he 'says' he'll allow me to have it with other guys).

It can be one hell of a complication, but guilt prevents me from leaving my partner, guilt prevents me from advancing on the other guy... I'm getting old, but I'm also guilty of not giving myself the chance to be truly happy

Age tells me that the other side of the fence may look greener, but that doesn't mean it'll last, nor would it be right. I haven't told myself to get a life, maybe I should soon.

If at first you don't succeed... give in!

A long time ago I decided not to blog anymore of my very colorful past and my current "don't ask, don't tell" (unless I feel like it) personal policy. But here I am again, half thinking this is crazy and still going full long into making another blog.

Though I'm going to write things that are very personal, I decided to be anonymous, with my self and the people involved with my life, juat to keep the status quo. As early as I can remember, I liked cars, the muscle type that few nowadays would truly appreciate like the old custom top-down mustang. What I didn't know till later is that this covered my real desire, motorcycles. I loved feeling the wind in my face, the first freedom that was afforded to me by a pedal busting bmx bike. This became more and more apparent with each year I grew and developed.

What I also didn't know, like my earlier desire for open top muscle cars, I too had a hidden nature that I would eventually uncover and define, my liking and love for men. Most people nowadays would peg me as gay, as the last serious tryst with a woman/girl was back in college where peer and personal pressure gets most young adults. In the strictest sense of the word, I would be gay but it would not truly define who I am, the best I would be able to come up with is a man who loves/likes other men (and still be attracted to women to an equal or lesser degree).

So anyway, as a young boy, I grew up being attracted to men, not other boys mind you though there had been exceptions. I was easily interested by older, adult men, the more stocky, gruf, scruffy and/or hairy they are, the more I felt a pull in their direction. I rarely, if ever, found the clean looking, shaved, twinky, hairless male wonders as attractive.

Still, growing up with those obviously socially contradicting thoughts made me want to know wh or what I really am, to put a 'tag' on me and place me where I belong. All the while, the pull of men grew stronger as were my desire for riding a bike and all the things associated with growing up.