Musings of Insanity

Seems like I'm starting to see the effect of age on the way I see things. I am normally self degrading in the guise of being humble but its mostly applied when looks are involved.

You see, I like guys, more often than not, they aren't the conventional beauties girls and women go for, at least up until the gruff look became the in thing. Now I find myself feeling a bit jealous of the younger set, being able to haphazardly go on all night/week gimmicks and enjoy their little time with the men they like, whether hired or not (this is where being a stalker class B voyeur/follower can be a pain) and in general, get who they want.

The depreciation only makes things worse when I start thinking that I got no chance with a person since they are: a.) popular, b.) cute~handsome (by my standards) c.) built (which I don't normally like anyway) ~ and if they can get through the first stage, they have to battle through the he's after your which doesn't really involve the heart, its just a phase, its just infatuation, he's just desperate (thats the worst) among other self preservation/depreciation reactions. Complicated piece of work? Thats just the topping but I wont go into details.

My latest spat with myself is about seeing people I like terribly enjoying themselves and finding I cannot be as free (work, money, time) as I want to be, responsibility apparently grew on me and took over my old go lucky self. I have resolved this little bit of insanity by just stopping all the thinking process altogether, things I cannot help I must not interfere with ~ AUM!

Seems to work and my mind thanks me a lot for it, I just need to be able to be true to the people around me, meaning, people I would really consider as my friends, should know me and my TRUE nature. I'm guessing that a few of them (at the office) have an idea that I'm gay, but since I don't flaunt the answers to their unspoken questions, they just hang there. Plus having my first college girlfriend in the same office (and having some rather weird rumor circulating about me waiting for her ~again?!? I think not) is not helping matters.

And I'm finding how some peoples view on being gay and bi are radically different from what I KNOW. You got a gay guy nearing cross dresser thinking that BI men are more 'dangerous' since they do ANYTHING (wow, whatta notion) and that effete men are safer since they only want love and affection (right, tell me that when the itch starts, you still have balls man, and men are naturally sexual, I've had enough of 'virtue' for several lifetimes to know). And categorically speaking I may be viewed as BI (though I say I'm gay, mostly to simplify things) since I still have women crushes, I still get aroused at certain acts with women that don't involve curling irons and parlor scissors.

Still I choose not to complicate my already complicated self, I would not be with a woman for the sake of having one, they aren't trophies or fronts that I would use for social acceptance. In this, I feel more and more like a vampire, plain in sight, yet mysterious with a secret to share. I partake of life but am not really a part of it no matter how I try, until the truth is known, that the real me is something you see everyday but never really knew until the words blurted out of my own mouth, I am gay, big deal.

I really think I should stop this office crushes I have, it can be a pain.